breath of fresh air

i have not been a good friend lately. i have not made time for God, haven't talked with him as much as i should. when i pick up the phone and call a friend, i know who i am talking to because i recognize the voice. if i don't take the time to really hear God's voice, will i honestly be able to hear him speaking into my life? isaiah 30:21 says "whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, 'this is the way; walk in it'". i want that voice. i NEED that voice.

these past 3 weeks of fasting and prayer have been amazing, but i know that i have not even scratched the surface of discovering who God is and what he has planned for me. i have drawn closer in many ways, but i have a long way to go until i can be confident that i am able to hear God's voice loud and clear at all times in my life.

i have confidence that God wants to talk to me. he wants to share his heart with me. he's just waiting for me to stop talking and just listen. he's waiting for me to turn everything off, quiet my heart, and just come to him. he has a plan for me and if i'm not walking the correct way, he lets me know. most of the time, i could have gotten myself back on track had i been listening for that voice behind me telling me which way to go rather than trying to be the navigator.

God has placed some amazing people in my life and i know that he has placed me in people's lives to touch them as well. i need to continue to seek after God's voice. i want to be able to hear him speaking and guiding. once i learn to communicate with him like i know i can, the blessings i have been seeing for these three weeks will increase beyond my wildest dreams.

i serve a powerful God, one who has never failed me, never let me down...even though i have constantly failed to be who i need to be. i know it's a process, not something i will perfect in a few days. thankfully, God is willing to wait and continue to work on me and grow me in to the woman he designed from the beginning.

consuming fire

the first few chapters of the Bible have always been a little tedious for me, especially when it gets into the rules and regulations of things. i know that the old testament is just as important, just as relevant as the new testament, but i sure feel like i have to work harder and dig deeper to find the meaning and application for my life.

as i was reading some leviticus, i came across this:
the fire on the altar must be kept burning; it must not go out. every morning the priest is to add firewood and arrange the burnt offering on the fire and burn the fat of the fellowship offerings on it. the fire must be kept burning on the altar continuously; it must not go out. [leviticus 6:12-13]

at first, i just skimmed past it. my eyes saw the words "it must not go out", but i just kept reading. but then, not 5 seconds later i read it again..."it must not go out". i teach my kids in choir that if a song repeats something, it's because the composer or the lyricist thought it was REALLY important so we have to sing it differently. well, God repeats himself twice. he says that the fire has to keep going and must not go out...and then 26 words later, he says it again! the fires on the altars of God's people had to burn forever. this meant that someone had to tend to every fire, every hour of every day.

it made me think about the fire that we build on the altar of our hearts. i can recall many times (usually after a breakaway, fall conference, or chapter focus week with intervarsity) where i have felt so on fire for God i can hardly sit still. but then time goes on and the flame dies down to a smolder and i go about my life just as i have always done. i have seen it happen with my prayer life, my devotional time, and even my relationships with other people. i get tired or bored or lazy and soon, i'm not tending to my fire anymore.

since our church has been doing the fast, i've been fanning that flame as much as i possibly can, but i know there is more i can do. there are people i haven't been praying for, there are still times when i fill my spare time with TV and facebook and anything BUT God. a fire at full force is a dangerous thing to be reckoned with. and it makes me wonder how much more i could have done for the kingdom if i had been putting firewood on my heart-altar every day rather than every sunday. i don't want coals that smolder and die out...i want a flame that is so hot and so intense that everyone around me feels its warmth and is drawn toward its light.

i will be still

so in the middle of my morning, i received an amazingly uplifting text message that just made the rest of my day so lovely and peaceful. it was exactly what i needed to hear at that precise moment and definitely something that i need to remember as i go through my life, especially since i am a worrier to the very depths of my being!

but if we hope for what do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. in the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. we do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. [romans 8:25-26]

i know what i want, i know what i have prayed for, and even though i may not see an answer to my prayers at this point and time, i need to be patient. i need to trust that the Holy Spirit himself is working on my behalf, even when i have no idea what to even ask for anymore. i have no doubts that God hears my prayers, but there are so many times when i wonder if he's going to do anything about it because i'll sit so long without seeing the results i'm expecting.

there are a few "big ticket" items on my prayer list right now, and i would love to have an answer already. (i would have loved an answer about a week ago if i'm being honest!) i know that God has not forgotten or ignored my cries. he is working in his time as i type this to bring about the plan that he had in mind long before i was even walking this earth.

so at this point, i know that i can't grow weary in my prayers to God, but i do need to be patient. i need to let God work and allow his timing, because it is the most perfect timing of all. when i am at a loss of words to express what is going on, i can rely on the Spirit to still intercede for me. it's so amazing to me that God hears that which is unspoken. he hears the innermost cries of our hearts...even when we don't!

i guess this verse just reminded me to be still. quiet my thoughts. and know that HE is GOD! like one of my favorite worship songs says:
when the oceans rise and thunders roar, i will soar with you above the storm, father you are king over the flood, so i will be still and know you are God.

"thank goodness" and "thank you"

two totally touching stories from today's classroom adventures:

"thank goodness"-i explained to the 4th graders today that they were going to be a part of my research project for my grad classes. i told them that i had been going back to school and needed to do a special project so i could graduate. i talked for about 10 minutes and then asked them if they had any questions for me. one of the boys who has definitely been a thorn in my side on more than one occasion raised his hand and with the biggest, saddest eyes i've ever seen asked "does this mean you are leaving us?" i quickly reassured all of them that i was not leaving random and he yells out "THANK GOODNESS!" made my day!

"thank you"-there's a 7th grader that has really been struggling with school this year. i have watched him go from this super smiley guy to someone who just doesn't seem to have a lot of joy anymore. he goes from one extreme to the other with everything. today i asked him if he was coming in after school to learn the music for musical auditions and he told me he wasn't going to do it anymore because there was no way he was going to have good enough grades to be able to participate. we ended up talking for the whole RtI period (we also both ended up tearing up a bit) and we finally worked out that i would work with him on tuesdays and fridays to help with homework and things. as we were walking back to his classroom, very quietly, almost inaudibly he said "thank you, miss a". he came in after school with the smile on his face and sang his little heart out...hopefully things will begin to turn around for him!

working all things together for my good

"for i know the plans i have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." [jeremiah 29:11]

about 2 weeks ago, i made a pretty big decision that was easily one of the hardest decisions i've had to make, especially since it effected another person. i have gone through every emotion possible from sadness and anger to relief and excitement. i would be lying if i said i haven't had doubts over whether or not i did the right thing. yet through all of the tears and questions, i have had an overwhelming sense of knowing that this is all under control, even if i'm not the one controlling it.

i have talked to God more than ever before and have been comforted time and time again because i know that this has all been planned. i know that God knew i was coming to this realization that something just wasn't right, even if i had been trying to stuff it down and ignore the nagging feelings. and God also knows what the ultimate outcome of this decision is going to be.

i know that God only works things together for my good. i know that he never would have allowed me to make the decision i did if it wasn't going to be beneficial. he has my future in mind at all times and he knows exactly what i need to do to follow the path i was meant to follow. God's plans will always be better than my plans, no matter what my flesh likes to think.

how deep the Father's love for us

How deep the Father's love for us,

How vast beyond all measure

That He should give His only Son

To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss,

The Father turns His face away

As wounds which mar the chosen One,

Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon a cross,

My sin upon His shoulders

Ashamed I hear my mocking voice,

Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that held Him there

Until it was accomplished

His dying breath has brought me life

I knoww that it is finished

I will not boast in anything

No gifts, no power, no wisdom

But I will boast in Jesus Christ

His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?

I cannot give an answer

But this I know with all my heart

His wounds have paid my ransom

we used to sing this song in intervarsity all the time. i also remember that i could hardly ever sing through the entire song without breaking down and crying whenever we sang it. i think the words of this song were the first words i heard that really expressed the vastness of God's love for his children.

i specifically remember trying to choke out the words "ashamed i hear my mocking voice call out among the scoffers". i have not done a very good job of always walking in the light. i tend to let the world sneak in and dictate my actions. and yet, God loves me. i have heard God's voice and ignored it. i have chosen to go my own way. and yet, God loves me. i have judged others and said words that were intended to hurt and break them down. i have been jealous of others' happiness. and yet, God loves me.

i am a sinner. but i am also God's child. and he loves me. he loves ME. none of the wrong that i do is a surprise to God. but he doesn't look at all of that stuff. he looks at the amazing woman he created in me and he delights in her. he doesn't hold my sin over my head and use it to blackmail me or guilt me into loving him. instead, he wipes my slate clean every time i mess up (which is a lot) and says "try again...and don't forget that i love you."

as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us [psalm 103:12]

it just takes time

i have another story from my job yesterday that completely touched my heart almost to the point of tears (which isn't all that surprising when you consider that i cry at the drop of a hat anyway!)

there is a second grade girl, o, who i have known now since she was in kindergarten. she is the absolute quietest, shyest girl i have ever had in class, and for the past 2 and a half years, i have struggled to get her to participate and interact with me. she has cried more in my class than i care to count and i have done everything to try and be patient and find ways that make her more comfortable with participating.

this year has been a slow and steady success for her. i decided that i would let her choose when she was ready to participate, and if she didn't do what the rest of the class was doing while we were all together, she had the option to stay after class and show me that she could do it (like clap a rhythm or sing an exercise). and although this has been successful, she still didn't connect with me. and i'm alright with that because i know that i'm not going to have relationships with every single student.

but then yesterday happened. i was walking out of my room to home for the weekend and no sooner had i locked my door when i heard someone literally yelling "goodbye miss andrews!!!". i looked down the hallway (which happens to be the 2nd grade hallway) and little o is jumping up and down and waving goodbye to me. as i got closer, she quieted down and said something but i didn't quite hear her, so i asked her to repeat it. she looked at me for a minute, didn't say anything, and just walked over to give me a hug. and then she went back to putting her snowpants on and that was that.

i guess it just takes time and persistence sometimes. and even if that is the only time something like that happens between o and i, i'll hold it in my heart always.

hanging on to hope

i feel like over the past week, i have experienced a lot of difficult times and have heard of so many friends who are feeling defeated at the moment. it's so easy for us to look at the hardships in life and ask "why am i going through this?" and while it sounds cliche to say that God has his reasons, it's so true.

i have to believe that God is in control or nothing in my life makes all that much sense. although it may be beyond my human capability to truly understand why we have to suffer through rough times, God is always in the driver's seat. he knows what we are going to face before we even turn down that road. he knows how we are going to handle it, and he gives us the people in our lives and our own strength through him to face everything with hope and faith.

i know that i have been promised these things. i know that i am going to go through rough times because suffering produces perseverance, perseverance produces character, and character produces hope [romans 5:3-5]. God doesn't want me to go through life never having to experience hardships. rather, he uses our suffering to grow us into better people who have a stronger faith.

there is no way that i would be the woman i am today if i had not experienced some of the more trying times in my life. i've been through a lot in 26 years, and i can only expect to go through even more over the next 26. but through it all, i have a rock to stand on. through it all, i have a God who promises to keep me safe and comfort me at all times, as long as i turn to him and have hope, no matter how bad it may seem.

oh you make me smile!

my life is ridiculously blessed. i feel like i say it all the time, but i just can't stop gushing about how much i love my job. where else can i go where i have 400 kids who won't even let me walk through the halls with saying hello, giving a high five, or attacking me with hugs?

some highlights from today:
- one of my students with special needs played the piano with me and at one point, r looked up at me and "asked" me to do the bubble noise. that's one of the first meaningful communications the two of us have had!
- i got a homemade book (addressed to Mrs. Androos) all about unicorns and rainbows from one of my favorite little 1st graders. i still have g's valentine she made for me last year hanging on my refrigerator.
- some of my old students who i rarely see anymore came in and spent the entire time after school talking with me about everything and anything. i got to see a side of s that i've never seen before, and little miss n kept me laughing like she always does!

i think if i wrote down everything that put a smile on my face throughout the day, i'd fill a book in less than a month! who knew this is where i was meant to be!

draw me close to you

"draw near to God and he will draw near to you. cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded." [james 4:8]

the past three days have been a really good time of reflection and meditation for me. i have realized many things and have pressed in to God because i absolutely cannot do it on my own anymore. i am hurting and i am broken, but i am still standing on my rock.

i am so comforted to know that God is just sitting and waiting for me to come to him with all of my problems and my issues. he knows what is going on in my life and he is ready and willing to take care of it all and wrap me in his arms of peace. i just have to admit my wrongs and allow God to take over in all areas of my life.

the more i give over to God, the closer he comes to my heart. why would i ever try and live life by my own strength if this is the case? these three days have been a start, but it's time for it to become something that happens every day, all the time. all that i have and all that i am is because of what God has given to me. time to spend every moment i have on this earth glorifying him and thanking him for the riches i have in Christ.

walk this way!

i like to think of myself as a very genuine person. for the most part, i do whatever it is i set out to do, sometimes at a bit of an expense to myself. however, i also tend to procrastinate...a LOT! i used to tell myself in college that i excelled when the pressure was on, so that is why i'd wait to the last minute. and unfortunately, i never learned my lesson because i was good at pulling everything together when i needed to.

but that's not the way a Christian woman should be living her life. how can i possibly allow God to work in my life if i am winging everything? my plans are of course only secondary to God's plans, but if i am filling my life with all sorts of things that distract me from what i should be doing, i am not going to be anywhere near as successful as if i make a goal and work towards it. and if i'm not as successful as i could be, i won't be bringing God the glory he deserves.

there are plenty of times when a task lies before me and i find it far more enjoyable to check out facebook (10 times), listen to some music, or watch tv. there are also plenty of times when a task just seems too daunting for me to even try. but i serve a God who is bigger, better, and stronger than any scary task. my God is worth more to me than facebook, music, and tv.

time to start walking the walk.

"all hard work brings a profit, but mere talk leads only to poverty" [proverbs 14:23]

talking football with 2nd graders

my biggest smile of the day came when b decided to talk football with me today...we talked about james jones' dropped pass ("the most perfect ball you could possibly throw")...we talked about tramon williams' interception ("the last part was the best")...we talked about how awesome the packers are...you know...sports stuff.

b's knowledge of the game is quite extensive and really impressive for a second grader...plus, b is a girl...so that kicks some major tail as well :)

you have searched me, LORD, and you know me...

although the new year began over a week ago, i am marking this day, january 10, 2011, as my official new beginning. i am not the same person i was on this day a year ago, nor will i be the same person a year from now. i have loved, laughed, cried, screamed, and grown my way through another 365 days on this earth. and i have come out on the other side a broken spirit in need of the healing touch of my God.

and i am perfectly okay with that. i know that in my weakness, God's strength shines through. i know that in my brokenness, fullness in Christ is now attainable. i am comforted to know that every step i take has been known by God since before creation. it is no surprise to him that i have found myself in this place, in need of healing and strength. he knew i was going to come to a point where i realized i couldn't continue to go through the motions of life and only live for others.

i have lived my life for other people for as long as i can remember. i have always been the one to make others happy, even at the cost of my own happiness. but new beginnings have come and i am living my life for myself and for my Lord. i am following his lead because walking with him insures that i will never fail. i may stumble, and i may fall, but i will never be overcome. i will look back on the mess of my life and see nothing but the beauty of God's redemption.

i have been fearfully and wonderfully made by a God who loves more deeply and more vastly than i will ever comprehend. i am his daughter, destined for greatness so that i can bring glory to my Father in heaven.